Rest set and reflect. Something I needed much time to do.
Have you ever felt as though you were losing yourself? As if you are trying your hardest to hold on to the pieces of yourself that keep you going. Like you’re looking for ways to salvage what your reflection use to looks like. The feeling of losing ones self in some cases may be what triggers depression and anger issues. When you are losing yourself it feels as though you do not have control of your life; like everyone wants a piece of you. Or like everyone is holding on to the old frame of what use to be you. To lose yourself is to become a robot; carrying the same routine day in and day out with little to no capacity for self. We begin to slowly back track reverting to old ways. In some cases we become stagnate because we fill stuck; trapped with no where to turn. Each of us go through a time in our life where we fill we are suppose to chase something. Whether it is money, fancy items, the latest trends, fame, or all of the above. When do we reach a point where we realize this doesn’t make us who we are? How can we treat ourselves to nice things and “quality” living without falling in the materialism trap of what seems to be “normal”?
Each time you start a new chapter you are destined to fight to save yourself once more. As you shift in income you being to run after more money. You want to make sure you keep the steady income maybe even work harder to see little increases here and there. However, this wasn’t my problem. My problem was fighting to not compromise myself for the sake of keeping what was steady, normal, and secure. I felt myself embarking on a new curve of my spiritual journey; one that would test my breaking point. My fight was not with money, materialism, or temptations it was with conformity. We are often asked to remove layers of ourselves to let others in all while keeping emotions dormant. We are asked to over extend ourselves to make others comfortable. Wearing a mask in society is a normal day to day thing. Little do we know we become that mask and slowly our true self is forgotten. All because we no longer have the capacity for self.
*How much do I love myself to carve out as much time for me? That is the question I ask myself.*
As you set boundaries for yourself to protect your peace others become angry. The more comfortable you become with yourself the more uncomfortable you make others. Mask are pulled back and the truth of others will show.
My decision to take a break was a slow and gradual process. It was a must for me to pull back slowly but surely. I felt as though I was losing a grip of my peace and I wanted to asses the issue little by little. I had become very sensitive and vulnerable to the negativity around me. I found myself uneasy and in tears. I was not easily worked up however irritability and frustration was close to second nature. I gradually became uninspired. Some days I didn’t feel like doing anything. Taking small escapes is what kept me going. Because I felt myself slipping away I would force time in to read and write so that my creativity wouldn’t fad away. However, it felt like every time I found a groove something would happen to lower my frequency. I began to pull away from people, activities, and actions that didn’t align with my values or morals. In this I created space for my meditation and yoga. I carved out a little more time that I had for writing; it wasn’t enough……… My heart craved more, my soul was heavy, and my mind wondered. While at work I found myself day dreaming about what else was out there; drifting to a space where I was doing what I loved to do. I dreamed of being in a space were I was appreciated and valued for being my true authentic self. I wasn’t in a good head space. I realized there were times I questioned my intuition and my sacred connection. That is when I knew I needed more of a push. It was time for a radical act of self love.
For a while I had been putting into the universe that I wanted to further my knowledge and master my craft. I planned and set up a time line and the opportunity presented itself when I needed it most. Taking the leap of faith I enrolled in Yoga Teacher Training. Everything that I knew was confirmed and life slowly came full circle. It wasn’t until I took a week to disconnect I realized I needed silence. No phone no social media just nature and endless adventure. My soul was happy and I was surrounded by nothing but love in it’s purest form. After connecting with nature and stepping out of my comfort zone I felt it was only right to take that time for self. I carried that with me and realized I needed to extend that period of silence. I wanted to experience the silence in stillness as well; no adventures just stillness with self. I needed time to shift my perspective and focus on the present moment. I had forgotten why I embarked on this journey back to self. Because of this I needed to remember my purpose and honor my journey. Honoring your journey allows us to honor our pace along that journey as well. To honoring my pace I needed to take time away from outside influences. I often felt it was a race instead of a tribe of people making a difference. As I focused my energy on being lighter my time at work became lighter. Once Hurricane Harvey hit I was forced to bring the self care aspect back into my life; something I desperately needed. Being in an environment where the energy and mindset is scattered or weird can drain a person mentally, physically, and spiritually. During the hurricane I had time to up the doses of self love and care. I meditated and recharged myself; reflecting on myself in every way was healing to my soul. During the hurricane I spent much needed time outside. One day while it rained I allowed myself to take a walk in the rain. As the rain rolled down my flesh it felt as though every drop was cleansing me. That day I gained clarity and started to goal set. I knew my perspectives were shifting however I didn’t know in what way.
I quit. The shift was to take another leap of faith on self. To resign and dedicate myself to the path that is carved out specifically for me. Scary? Yes. Nerve wrecking? Of course. However, it is so worth it. There comes a time in our lives where we will be tested. We often times confess to the Most High that we want our universe to shift. We speak things into the universe that we wish to manifest in our lives. We do this without expecting to take action ourselves. When we ask of anything within the universe it is expected of us to do the work that is required. This is how we grow; it is necessary to take leaps of faith on ourselves. Trusting our intuition is trusting our higher self our soul that guides us which is directed by the Most High.
Peace and Blessing,
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